This month marks 7 years in business for me!  I have been writing newsletters for 7 years and this is newsletter # 84!  Every month I try to choose topics that are relevant, engaging and useful.  Almost every month I struggle immensely with trying to get it just right for you, my dear readers, because I want it to be perfect for you.

Here are the rules for creating this “perfect” newsletter every month:

• I must be able to write it in one 20 – 30 minute sitting
• I must be able to write it exactly on cue – no warm-ups or false starts
• It must require no editing
• It must flow with the exact right wording that will touch the heart of every reader
• And of course, it must be joyful

Ha! In seven years of writing, none of these requirements have ever been fulfilled!  How hilarious is it that it has taken me 7 years to realize that my struggle was due to my perfectionism?!  It always makes me laugh when discover that I have been oblivious to my own issues!

Here in lies the sneakiness of perfectionism.  Wanting, needing, striving to be perfect blocks your ability to see what is really happening in your life.  Perfectionism drains your energy and steals your joy.  Like being on a hamster wheel, it is a never ending, relentless driver that depletes your self confidence and trashes your self esteem.  Every time you don’t reach that perfect state, you think and feel that you have failed.

Do you have rules for creating perfection?  Mine were unconscious until I finally stopped to ask myself why I always struggle with writing. Once I uncovered the “rules” it became clear that the rules needed to be broken. In breaking the rules, I was able to find more relief and joy in the message that I wanted to share with you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting something to turn out well but perfection and doing your best are two separate approaches.  Perfection is a never ending process and doing your best is about completion and having your self confidence remain intact.

Notice what your rules are and ask yourself if you can break some (or all) of them.  Life is messy, unpredictable and always imperfect and that’s usually where you will find your deepest joys!  Wishing all of you a joyfully messy and imperfect holiday season!

I was having lunch with a group of friends and colleagues recently.  Over delicious soups and salads we had the usual conversations about work, health and children.  As I listened to some of the conversations I noticed a pattern that I have heard before.  One friend commented on how bad she felt when she discovered her child needed glasses.

“I should have known,” she said.
Then another woman chimed in with the story about how her niece was having hearing problems and none of the family noticed.

“I can’t believe we didn’t figure it out,” she said, “how could we not have known?”
The conversation continued like this for a while with more women adding their stories, all ending in how they felt bad or guilty for not knowing something.
Do you do this?  Do you think you should know everything – about everything? Have you ever been hard on yourself because you didn’t know how to do something, didn’t have the right answer or didn’t get something done the way it was supposed to be done?
Let me be the first to tell you that you are incredibly smart (you read my newsletters, after all )!  You probably know more than the average person and yet you feel bad, ashamed or worthless if you don’t know something that seems obvious or simple (once it’s pointed out to you, that is).  Guess what?  There are many things in this world that you don’t know and as long as you hold onto the belief that you should know, you are never going to feel confident or good about yourself.  You can’t, you won’t and you shouldn’t know everything and it s time to stop expecting that you should!  Phrases like ‘What’s the matter with me?’ or ‘Why can’t I do this?’ or ‘How could I have not known?’ are signals that you are being too hard on yourself.  Beating yourself up for not knowing something is a colossal waste of energy and depletes your self-esteem.  The next time you catch yourself saying “I should have known” ask yourself this question: “When did someone teach me _________________________?”  Asking this countering question will help you reclaim your confidence and self-esteem.  It’s okay not to know everything.  Part of the joy of living is learning and gaining new knowledge…and that’s a fact I know for sure!

Over the summer I spent time building a stone path in my yard.  The path serves two purposes:

1.    functional as it give us a way to walk through the yard without stirring up mosquitoes
2.    joyful as it is bright, meandering and disappears around the corner leaving you to wonder where it might lead

Building the path was not difficult but it did require a plan, some effort and some physical strength.  I found that it was easier to build when I had the right tools and if I didn’t try to do the whole path at once.  As I progressed, I learned better ways to use my tools, it got easier and I got faster.  The path was finished sooner than I had planned!  (Actually, I’m not sure if the path is finished as it’s possible to add more but for now, it gets me where I want to go!)

Building this path made me think about our paths in life.  Where are you on your path? Have you chosen one?  Do you have a plan?  Do you have the strength and the tools to move forward on your path with ease?  Something else that I realized after I built my stone path was that the work would have been even easier and gone faster if I had help.

Asking for help or accepting support is tough for most of us.  We mistakenly think we have to do everything ourselves and if it becomes a struggle we assume that there is either something wrong with us or that what we’re doing is supposed to be difficult.

The truth is there is nothing wrong with you and life is not supposed to be a struggle.  Chances are you are missing a tool, there’s a skill you need to learn or you’re lacking the right kind of support.  I encounter these situations with my clients so often that it led me to create a program that will give you the tools, skills and support to stop being so hard on yourself and help you create more meaning and joy in your life.  The program is called Discovering Your Path to Joy and I would be honored if you would join me. Stop trying to do everything yourself and join like minded women who are ready to create a more fulfilling life!

Over the past 3 years, I have been forced to slow down due to health issues.  I am on the mend now but having to pay closer attention to my health has taught me some extremely valuable lessons.  I have been very reluctant to slow down, to let others help me and to relinquish control over my business.  Like most women, I thought I could do everything I had been doing and still manage my recovery without changing a thing!  I was wrong.  The more I tried to keep everything going as usual, the more things stopped flowing and became harder and harder.  Instead of listening to the messages of my body and my higher self, I listened to the messages of society – the ones that imply you are only valuable if you are working and being productive every minute of every day.

This clash of values proved to be too difficult to manage and I realized I needed to choose.  I let go of some clients, I stopped doing free presentations, I reduced my volunteer activities and I said “no” to social events with family and friends.  I was terrified of being judged for my lack of involvement, my seeming laziness and guess what happened?  I got judged.  There were comments about being self serving and thinking only of myself and at the same time my inner voice was saying “you are loving and giving…and you need to heal.”

I am grateful for the people who judged me because they helped to bring to light one of the most powerful lessons I have ever learned – how and where to invest my energy.  I came to realize that my decline in health was directly related to my desire to be of service…to everybody!  I freely gave my attention, my knowledge, my experience, my time and my money in the spirit of helping others and in order to do something meaningful in the world.  But many of those to whom I gave freely did not honor or respect what I was offering.  They did nothing with my gift.  They continued to live the same way, complain about the same things and repeat the same habits.  As long as I continued to give them my light, they never had to find their own.

I know I am not the only one who gives away their precious energy.  You wouldn’t be reading this message if you didn’t understand on some level what I am writing about. What I want you to know is that there is another way. You can be generous and giving with your energy without depleting yourself – you don’t have to keep doing the same things over and over again hoping for a different result and I would like to show you how.  I’m offering a no cost teleclass (yes, I’m giving it away but I know how to do that now!) because I want to share what I have learned and give you a peak at a new program that has been born out of my experiences.  It’s time for you to feel vibrant and joyful again…don’t you agree? Sign up here for the teleclass on Oct 2nd.

Are you feeling rested yet?  I wrote about how most of us are sleep deprived in my August Re:Connections and hopefully you didn’t fall asleep reading it!!  I have been struggling with getting more sleep myself and I understand how difficult it can be to make sleep a priority. There are always so many other interesting (and not so interesting) activities, people and opportunities that pull us away from our bed that we are seduced into thinking….okay, just one more late night but tomorrow, I’ll go to bed early for sure!  

I came across this quote by Harry Emerson Fosdick…”He who cannot rest cannot work;” and I would add “or find joy.” Now you may argue with me that you find joy in many of the activities that are keeping you from sleep and rest and I would agree.  And what I know for sure is that your deepest joy rests within you and it takes slowing down and connecting with that part of yourself that will truly help you live more joyfully.  Taking the time to rest and to sleep will only give you more time and energy to participate in your joyful activities and it will also give you the clarity to say no to, change or stop the activities that don’t align with your joy.   To help you practice slowing down I am delighted to share this link with you.  Take two minutes in a lovely bit of relaxation that you can fit into your day.  Take two minutes here:  http://www.donothingfor2minutes.com/  (Note: this webpage requires your computer to be completely still so if you are trying to use this program on your laptop, on your lap for example, you may find that you have to keep hitting the refresh button – just another fact in the case for stillness, I guess!).